Metro Moms

Soon They'll be Teens, Part Five

We finish up our series today on "Preparing for Adolesence Begins NOW."  Next week (and possibly the following week) moms with young adult children will be answering questions from younger moms that will help to make this study personal.  Please join us for this interactive and informative exchange!

As we study how to prepare now for your children's future, our passage seems to save the best for last.  We've talked about wisdom, careful planning and perseverance.  Today we highlight the fourth and last way to get ready for the fast-approaching teen years:  faith.

Yesterday I talked about my own battles with self-sufficiency.  I've heard it's a common temptation for other moms, too.  Remember, our part in the growth in character and godliness of our children is just that...a PART.  God is much more committed and able to fulfill His plans for our children than we are!  His part is much bigger and more important than ours.  What comfort.

I have some great news for you.  Your children are sinners and so are you!  Why is this good news?  Because there is a remedy for sin! There isn't a remedy for "that's just the way I am" or "my child just has an anger problem."  In the mysterious process of God building a family, people sin.  We react arrogantly, selfishly and angrily toward each other.  We get moody and irritable.  The remedy isn't just "moving on" or acting like there's not a problem.  Rather, the solution is acknowledging, "Whoa!  We have a problem here.  We're sinning against each other."  We can then look to the cross, which provides forgiveness and hope for change. 

And as mothers, we learn the joy of confession and repentance of our sins...and then train our children to do the same.

There are precious promises to those who trust in God's loving and wise sovereignty, even in the midst of a family of sinners.  God's grace shines through whatever patterns of sin we and our children are facing.  This should bring us great hope.  And further hope comes from taking our concerns about our children to God, rather than attempting to figure out the problem and the solution on our own.

Developing a God-centered perspective on motherhood makes such a difference.  In my early mothering years I was too aware of my own participation in the process.  I thought my training and discipline were key.  I assumed my decisions and influence would protect my children from common temptations and mistakes.  I put too much emphasis on me. 

I share the following quotes with you that have been a source of comfort and encouragement to me:

"The truth is, we must plant and we must water if we are to make progress in holiness, but only the Holy Spirit can change us [and our children] more and more into the likeness of Jesus.  Our problem is that we tend to depend upon our planting and watering than on the Lord."  Jerry Bridges

"Unbelief looks at the difficulty.  Faith regards the promise...It is faith that enlivens our work with perpetual cheerfulness.  It commits every part of it to God, in the hope, that even mistakes shall be overruled for his glory; and thus relieves from us an oppressive anxiety, often dependant upon a deep sense of our responsibility.  The shortest way to peace will be found in casting ourselves upon God for daily pardon of deficiencies and supplies of grace, without looking too eagerly for present fruit."  Charles Spurgeon

We can have faith, then, that as we faithfully till the ground of our children's hearts (and our hearts as well!) -- and as we exercise wisdom, carefully plan ahead, and persevere through the challenges that motherhood entails -- God will change us and our children "more and more into the likeness of Jesus."  That's our goal!  That's our prayer!  So please don't look too eagerly for present fruit.

There can be delightful years ahead for you and your teens!  Look to God to help you faithfully do your part...and then anticipate in faith the beauitful tower He is building for your joy and His glory.

P.S.  Join us next week for Q and A between moms of toddlers and teens about some of these issues!

Posted by Sheree

Soon They'll be Teens, Part Four

The passage in Luke we looked at on Monday teaches us that the point of starting something (like building a tower) is to finish it.  Sounds simple, but God obviously thought we needed the reminder.  Wisdom and careful planning beforehand and during the process help.  But then the need for patience sets in.

Which leads to the third way to prepare now for your children's adolesence:  perseverance.

Too many parents start out well in the infant and toddler years.  They hear teaching and read books on biblical child rearing and come out of the starting gate with vigor.  They put down the book, go home from the seminar, or leave a helpful conversation with respected parents eager to implement the changes they believe God put into their hearts.  But when the fruit doesn't come quickly, they lose heart.  Perhaps they stop training a toddler faithfully because it was just too hard to do so when the new baby came.  Or maybe they started noticing how other parents allowed their children to interrupt or throw tantrums without consequence and thought, "I guess we're just too strict."  Or perhaps the discipline and training just started taking up too much time...especially when little Johnny's behavior seemed to get worse, not better!

Depending on how compliant and eager to please your child is (or isn't!), parenting can be just plain hard at times.  As the mother of seven, I've gone through seasons where I thought I just couldn't keep it all going.  My self-sufficiency was regularly exposed as I battled harshness, irritability, and unbelief when I was relying on myself rather on God's limitless grace and strength.  But through sinful reactions and many mistakes, God faithfully and lovingly taught me that motherhood is a life laid down for the gospel.  And this requires perseverance.

Young moms, please don't give up.  Wait patiently for the often delayed fruit from your labors.  You will sin.  You will fail.  You will at times be too tired or too selfish to do the right thing.  When this happens, there is a throne of grace to which you can run for help, mercy and forgiveness.  Don't allow your setbacks to turn into patterns of sin or neglect.  A future teen is asking you to persevere.

Author and teacher Wayne Grudem offers these comforting words:  "Motherhood is both a demanding and a rewarding profession.  Unfortunately, the reward often comes much later in life, but a prime characteristic of the good mother is unselfishness; she can wait for the final realization of her rewards."

May God give you the strength to patiently persevere...and wait...for the fruit of today's labors.

Posted by Sheree

Soon They'll be Teens, Part Three

We've been talking this week about avoiding the potential surprise and heartache of "showing up" in our children's teens years without adequate preparation.  Yesterday we talked about the first of four ways to prepare for the years to come:  wisdom. 

The second way the passages we looked at (see Monday's post) teach us to prepare is careful planning.  Using the analogy of the Luke passage, consider this:  If a person should calculate the cost of building a tower (or...say...a pretty house with a white picket fence?) how much more should he calculate the cost of building a life? 

I have the blessing of five (soon-to-be-six) grandchildren.  Watching their moms brings back memories of how much effort and planning it takes just to get out the door to run errands...much less a church meeting!  There's feeding, packing the diaper bag, putting the stroller into the van, dressing the kids (but not too far in advance to avoid stains from dirt and spills and spit up), hair and makeup, and driving away from the house without forgetting something...or someone!  And what about when the planning involves a week vacation???

Here are some questions we would do well to ask ourselves regularly:

Have I been more careful in my planning of things like outings and vacations than I have of planning to raise and disciple the next generation of men and women to advance the gospel and love the church?

Have I presumed upon God's grace to make sure everything is "ok" with my kids while I glide through motherhood with little preparation or planning for the future?

Have I selfishly leaned on my husband's leadership to the neglect of my own biblically clear mandate to teach and train our children?

What are some things you can practically do NOW to prepare for the years to come?  Here are some suggestions:

• Develop a relationship with older, more experienced moms to gain insight, encouragement, counsel and wisdom.  Don't wait for others to come to you, but humble yourself and reach out to them.  This could start with simply asking to get together for lunch, or approaching an older mom to see if you could call her on occasion for counsel about a newborn or toddler.  Find moms who have older children with godly character and passion for the Lord...things you desire to help cultivate in your own children, and then glean from their experience and wisdom.
• Read!  Read!  Read!  Books have been such a means of God's grace in my life.  Perhaps you could set a goal of reading one book a year on adolescent issues...even if you have to read some over again.  (There are excellent recommendations on the shelf of our church bookstore.  If you are not a part of our church I'd suggest you begin with Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens by Paul Tripp.)
• Open up your heart and struggles with others (begin with your husband, but also include other moms).  Confess your sinful battles with anger or recurring harshness; admit your weariness; share things you are tempted to want to hide; acknowledge the things your children are doing that seem embarrassing.  Doing this will do two things: you're likely to find out you're not alone in your struggles, AND you'll posture yourself for the grace God promises to the humble.

You've started building a tower.  Please don't stop planning now.  Just imagine how beautiful it can be if you keep working...relying on God's strength with each stage of the process.

Posted by Sheree

Soon They'll be Teens, Part Two

The verses we looked at yesterday speak of four important ingredients when taking on weighty tasks.  And we all agree, I'm sure, that training the next generation certainly qualifies as "weighty."

How do these passages apply to your role as a mother of future young adults?

The first way you can begin now to prepare for your child's adolescence is to pursue wisdom. The wise woman builds her house...the wise builder counts the costs before he begins to build.

I have too often given in to my prideful tendency to lean on myself and my abilities as a mother.  Since becoming a mother 28 years ago, one thing I wish I had learned MUCH earlier is this: the task of godly parenting is FAR beyond our ability to pull off in our own strength!  Parenting is a perilous job.  There are dangers involved.  But disaster is NOT inevitable.  Don't buy into the lie that all teens are sullen, disrespectful and prone to experiment with sin.  This doesn't have to be the case!  You can make a difference and God will be faithful! 

But you need to take responsibilty for your part and wisely invest yourself into your children's lives.  Just like trees don't just "appear" in your backyard but take many years to grow, the seeds of parental neglect in the teen years are most likely being planted now.  Start to deal now with any tendency in your heart to:

• Give in to their whiny, insistant demands because it's easier than training them to willingly and humbly accept hearing "no."  Picture your young children as teens who have learned that their manipulation or unwavering demands will ultimately wear you down to say "yes."
• Give several warnings before disciplining them because you know they'll respond when you use their middle name, become harsh, or threaten punishment.  Realize that teens who were taught to obey "cheerfully, willingly and immediately" may be less likely to push the limits of your authority.
• Buy things or sign them up for ballet, soccer, gymnastics, or etc because all their friends enjoy these things...OR because you "need a break" from the demands of motherhood.  Peer pressure (what the Bible calls the fear of man) is something both mom and child need to resist early on or the pattern in the teen years could be devastating.  Make decisions under your husband's leadership and based on what's best for your child, not so he won't feel slighted or left out.
• Crave your child's affection and approval.  Yes, this begins in the toddler years when Mommy lacks the courage or stamina to wisely train and discipline her children because she's afraid of being "too strict" or risking her children "not liking her." When the teen years come, it will be more important that your child respect and honor you than that they "like" you.

Patterns like these reveal heart issues in we moms that can have serious consequences as our children age.  Dealing with them now in preparation for the years ahead requires wisdom that can only come from God.  But He promises this wisdom to those who ask.  Why not stop and ask Him for wisdom for today to love and train your little ones.  Then ask again...tomorrow.

Posted by Sheree

Soon They'll be Teens, Part One

Last night was family night.  It was also a night to celebrate the birthdays of three of my seven children:  Jaime's 27th, Janelle's 20th, and Jake's 17th.  As we sat after dinner sharing words of encouragement with them, I looked around the room -- as I often do. How I LOVE these times together.  The family room was full...including four grandchildren who were much more interested in wrestling with each other than attentively listening to adults honor one another!

How can this be?  Wasn't it only yesterday that the requested birthday meal was hotdogs with mac n cheese and everyone wore pointy hats?  Is that really a Joshua Michael, Jr pretending like most everything is a drumstick?  Was that just my imagination...or did 18-month-old Wyatt just flash the same grin I used to see on his uncle Jake?

Moms, study the face of your little boy as you hand him a cup of juice.  Soon you'll be looking up to him and he'll be convincing you there really are tiny hairs growing on that face.  Stop and really listen to your daughter talk about the bug she just saw.  Before you know it, your conversations will be about menstruation and how to navigate her realization that boys are rather fun to be around these days. 

It happens so quickly.  One day they're falling out of bed...and the next they're falling into bed after a late-night conversation on your bed or a study marathon.  This summer they're squealing with delight while clinging tightly to your hand at the shoreline...and next summer they're holding the hand of their own toddler who fills your ears with the precious sounds a giggly grandchild.

Please take it from those of us who, as our friend CJ Mahaney says, are "on the back nine."  This season is demanding.  But this season is brief. 

For the coming weeks we'll be taking a look at the importance of wisely preparing for what lies ahead for us as moms.  During the days of pregnancy, newborns that don't sleep and active toddlers that keep you running each day, it seems this season will last forever.  In fact, it seems like forever till nap time!  Many days, you are probably just looking forward to when the kids stop wetting the bed or learn to sit on their bottoms through an entire meal!  The teens years seem like a lifetime away!  Or perhaps you look to the future as a season of fewer demands, when life will calm down and be less hectic.

The demands on your life and time are intense now.  The physical challenges of sleep loss, the strain that pregnancy and nursing place on your body, and managing a home with small children and lots of chores you have to do without help are often draining.  Later, though, the demands become more spiritual and emotional: concerns over a child's salvation; worries over changes you see in your pre-adolescent who used to be perky and talkative but who is now quiet and withdrawn; teens you thought had been faithfully taught the importance of respect and willing obedience beginning to question or openly challenge your authority. 

Our heart is not to promote fear!  Rather, we desire to dispel fear and complacency by providing hope that is biblically defined. The purpose of this "Preparing for Adolescence Begins NOW" theme is to both warn and encourage. 

The warning is to resist the natural tendency we all have to selfishly and pridefully assume our children will "just turn out ok."  God is their source of growth, but our participation matters.  The Bible promises fruit to the faithful and diligent, and consequences to the lazy and irresponsible.

The encouragement is to be patient when it seems your efforts are in vain.  Children are rarely quick learners when it comes to character issues.  (Ummm...just like their moms.)  Even the child who talks well before his little friends or easily learns her ABC's can be surprisingly "slow" to learn to share or remember to say "OK, Mommy" when given a directive. 

I suggest that sometime today you meditate on the following verses that will lay a foundation for the rest of our emphasis this week.  We'll be covering four ways to prepare now for the adolscent years (which means we'll need to skip "Friday Favorites" this week).

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down" (Proverbs 14:1).

"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower.  Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it?  For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish'" (Luke 14:28-30).

Join us for the rest of the week to see how wisdom, careful planning, perseverance and faith are ways you can plan now for teen years charaterized by friendship and joy with your now "little ones."

But for now, go and hold them close.  Soon they'll be too big to fit into your lap.

Posted by Sheree