Metro Moms

The Wisdom of Experience

MOM'S MEETING IS TOMORROW!  See you there at 9:30!

Our final question in this series is answered by Desi Pino.  Her husband, Al, is the Senior Pastor of the Soveriegn Grace Church in Miami.  They have three daugthers and a son.  Desi's heart for her home and family is seen by all who know her.  And you will experience her pronounced pursuit of humility as you read her winsome and honest response to this question.  Enjoy!

What has experience taught you about parenting that you wish you had known as a younger mom?

In God's kindness, there has been a measure of ease for me when it comes to planning events for my family or for women's functions at our church.  However, most of these  events take place within weeks or months.  In parenting small children, however, I needed to look way ahead to the teen years and let God continue to remind me that, like a farmer, I was sowing seeds now that will be in full bloom in about 10 years; both good seed as well as bad. 

One incentive for me was some years ago when Covenant Life Church in Maryland sent an evangelism team to our then newly planted church.  I remember thinking, "If I can just be consistent with my kids now while they are young, then maybe some day they will love God and enjoy serving like this group of wonderful young people."   Unfortunately, I didn't always have this focus.  My craving for peace and for the approval of my children hindered this God-centered perspective.

I also saw each problem with my children as a huge bummer or obstacle to what I was trying to accomplish academically instead of seeing them as opportunities to train my children in righteousness. As a homeschooling mother I marked off how many pages in history they did.  Why not mark off how consistently I was teaching and training them in the things of God?  When God began to show me that I am called to be a trainer of my children, it really helped me out a lot.  I also had to put to death the craving for their approval and realize that when my children resist me, they are actually resisting God.  This helped to take the focus off me and put it back on God.  It helped me to be more consistent and to not be so offended by their sin, knowing that it was God they were resisting and that I was just His representative.

Parenting hasn't been the easy street that I longed for, but it has been a street that leads to heaven and the fruit along the way is so sweet, I can only say THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR GREAT KINDNESS TO ME.  I trust that the sometimes painful lessons the Lord has taught me will be a means of grace to you!

Has the Lord been speaking?

We hope you're enjoying our Preparing for Adolescence Begins Now series, including the Q and A with moms who have "been there."  Before we continue on, we want to encourage you to ask yourself this question today:

• Are there any areas of needed change in my heart attitudes or ways I relate to my child(ren) that God has used this series to surface? 

Jot down anything that comes to mind and be sure to discuss this with your husband for his leadership and input.  Or if you're a single mom, ask a wise friend or your pastor's wife if you could run your thoughts by her.

Because if you're like us, it's easy to read or hear something that is provoking or helpful...but then forget it the next week (or day or hour!). 

But even before you do this exercise, why not take a few minutes to set your computer aside and thank the Lord for your little ones.  They are gifts...not only to bring you much joy, laughter and fulfllment but also to remind you regularly of your ongoing need for a Saviour as you see your sin and theirs.

Enjoy your day with them!

The Blog Team

Raising Sons and Daughters...the same or differently?

Another guest contributor will be answering an important question today.  Melodye is married to Danny Jones, our Senior Pastor, and a man with a full life of responsibilities in a larger region of churches.  They have four children (two sons and two daughters) and soon-to-be six grandchildren.  She provides a compelling example to all who know her and we're blessed that you can glean from her life and influence.

Did you parent your sons and daugthers the same or differently?  I have a son and a daughter and am wondering if there are things I should be doing now to prepare them for the teen years?

The day my first son was born was an amazing experience.  His room was filled with miniature footballs, basketballs, infant jerseys, tiny basketball shoes and other boyish things.  My husband began dreaming of what sports he would play, how tall he would become, and all the things a father and son could do together.  He was affectionate with Jeremy, but he also loved to rough play -- tickling, wrestling and throwing him up in the air to hear him laugh and giggle. 

A few years later Praise arrived.  What an immediate difference!  There was pink everywhere!  Gone was the sports equipment and in its place were dresses with cute bonnets, stuffed animals, and baby dolls everywhere.  Now my thoughts were racing about tea parties, slumber parties, shopping trips, and someday planning her wedding.  As my husband interacted with her there was an immediate difference -- he was very gentle and never wanted to risk to hurting her.  And he never wanted to watch her cry.  There was an absence of wrestling and playing rough like he had done with our son. 

As the years went by, the pink dresses and baby dolls were traded in for soccer shorts and Legos but the differences in the way we trained them for their teen and adult years was still very evident.  We wanted to make sure we were training and preparing them to be men and women that would be defined by Scripture. 

It is my responsibility as a mom to pass on both the language and lifestyle of biblical femininity to my daughter and my husband's job to instill leadership qualities in our son and teach him to be a man.  As a mom, my responsibilities for my daughters has included things like:

• training them in domestic skills such as cleaning, cooking, or helping with siblings
• talking with them about modesty issues
• discussing what a ‘gentle and quiet spirit’ looks like and how they can develop those qualities in their own lives. 

Though Danny has the primary responsibility for training our sons in manliness, we have worked together to encourage masculinity in practical ways including:

• protecting and caring for their sisters
• handling money in a wise way
• providing leadership in areas that were appropriate
• taking responsibility around our home for jobs in the yard and things in the home that required a strong back!   

We found they were never too young to begin training and preparing them for their future roles as men and women.  Introducing them to the things of God and their need for a Savior certainly looks the same, but teaching them how to become godly men and women that will make a difference in their generation is very different.

Although this training and preparation is not always an easy task, the fruit of godly adult children raising their own families (our grandchildren!) is an amazing gift to us. 

   

 

Starting Over...Some Suggestions

Holly's husband, Chip, serves as our church administrator.  They have three delightful children, including two college age sons.  Whenever Holly opens her mouth, everyone listens!  We're glad you can benefit from her wisdom and experience.

If you could start all over as a mother, discuss one thing you would emphasize more and more thing about which you would carry less concern.

I believe we can’t emphasize enough to our children to be God-centered rather than self-centered. When our children are faced with daily decisions and temptations, do we guide their thoughts Godward?  I hope I helped lead my children to understand God has a plan and a purpose for their lives and, as Christians, to purpose living for Him daily.  But as I reflect back, I wish I would have kept this before them more rigorously in the nitty gritty of everyday life choices.  I can see more clearly how reminding them that the decisions they make now affect how God can use them in the future. If they repeatedly desire to be first, have their own way, insist they are right, or refuse to serve their sibling, they become self-righteous and proud...and God opposes the proud. 

I can see that encouraging them to grasp the fact at an early age that their lives are not their own to do as they please promotes a God-focused, instead of a self-focused, view of life.  Instilling this mentality of biblical truth in their early years will serve them as they mature and enter adolescence when they are inclined to sinful independence.  My hope is that my children (as well as myself) will declare along with Jeremiah, “I know, O Lord, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps”. Jeremiah 10:23

In looking back, I would emphasize less my personal preferences over theirs.  I can be guilty of stressing over the small inconsequential stuff.  There are areas that are clearly black and white, but I’m not speaking of preferences that are sinful. What does it matter they look great in red, but they dislike that color? So what if he looks geeky with his socks pulled up to his knees and his t-shirt always tucked in? He won’t always do that! I find I too frequently have an opinion about their current hairstyle. Imposing my preferences has at times stifled creativity or left my children feeling my disapproval.  I’ve learned they are unique individuals designed by a highly creative God and to actually seek and value their perspective and appreciate our differences!

Reflections

Today we hear from Cindy, a pastors wife, mother of four, and grandmother of two adorable boys.  You can read more about Cindy here where her daugther, Stephanie (one of our regular blog team authors), honored her in our "Moms Who Have Inspired Us" series.

What one thing did you do in the toddler younger years that you can now look back on as being very helpful in the teen years? What one thing do you wish you had focused on more?

Mike and I felt we should keep it simple in the midst of all the demands of parenting – we needed to focus on obedience. Training our children to obey the first time we speak to them, to obey completely, and to obey with a happy attitude.   This encompassed most of the training of our children.  Along with this is also dealing with the sinfulness in their hearts that causes them to disobey.  We moms must work diligently to see a heart change or we will end up with children that learn to “perform” instead of being transformed.  Addressing the sin issues allows us to teach them of their great need for a Savior and forgiveness.  We can then eventually lead them to a saving knowledge of Christ.   Being consistent in training, loving correction and discipline is essential.  However, it is the Holy Sprit that changes the heart, so it is important that our trust is in God.

By God’s grace we have seen our children respond to this training. Most importantly, they have responded to the Gospel. It certainly doesn’t mean life is perfect and there are no conflicts.  But it is how those conflicts are able to be worked through that reflects back on those earlier years as we were dealing with the sin in their hearts.

Second, a very practical area I would’ve spent more time developing in my little ones had I known THEN what I know NOW would have been helping them to be more diligent with their rooms.  There were too many days that I did it for them. WHY?  Because it was much faster and easier for me to do it than it was for me to wait patiently for them to do it correctly!  As it turns out, I was allowing my own sinful impatience and laziness to prevent me from taking the time to teach them.

Years later, I now see that I did not serve my children by jumping in and “rescuing” their rooms when they were younger.  Now when their lives get busy with their studies, participating in sports, and church involvement, the first thing to “go” is their rooms. So…we’re still working on it!

"But Why?"

Beginning today, moms of teens and young adults will answer questions that we hope will help provide practical insights to our "Preparing for Adolesence Begins NOW" emphasis.  We hope these responses from seasoned moms will serve you!

How would you describe the difference between parenting toddlers and parenting teens?

Having three children in four years meant we hit every stage of parenting at once. The good thing was my lack as a parent became quite obvious. Thankfully, this led me to realize my need for God and others.

When my children were 12, 10 and 8, I felt as if all the rules of parenting had changed, and no one told me the new rules. It seemed my children had forgotten much of what I had taught them!  For example, they dragged their feet to do simple chores after they had been taught to obey cheerfully and quickly; they would forget common courtesies like “please” and “thank you." This embarrassed me because I knew I had taught them better!

The Lord showed me that I had falsely assumed I had control of my kids. The truth is I never could control them – when they complied with my demands it was only external obedience, not heart-felt conviction. Obviously, there was a big hole in how I had trained my children. The hole needed to be filled with a personal revelation of indwelling sin, and the truth that only God’s grace could fill the void – not my rules and requirements.

I struggled with parenting teens, because I falsely assumed that if I did things right when they were little, the teen years would be easy. Compared to what parents were facing in the world, my job WAS easier. But compared to the standard God has given us, and in light of my own sin, it was hard work.

For me, a primary difference between parenting teens and toddlers was that teens require more in-depth conversations about "why." A toddler asks “why?” because they are learning. A teen asks “why”, (sometimes disrespectfully) because they want to understand. This process takes lots of time and many late nights.

The Lord revealed that when my teens were challenging me with “whys”, it was a privilege to be able to help them see the truth for themselves and to help them to discover any roots of sin in their hearts...not an interruption to be avoided. My husband and I grew closer during these years because I realized that God had given him wisdom and patience that I greatly lacked. We cried out to God knowing that only He could change their hearts -- and ours, too.

The good news is that God is not only willing to change their hearts, He has promised to do so!

Posted by Debi